I feel my character has been maligned. Actually, this is how it really happened.
After Sandi dropped me off at the hospital I slowly walked in the hospital admittance surgery room and started the process of everyone asking me my name and birthdate. I really wasn’t too concerned until the doctor walked up to me holding a surgical knife in one hand and a Styrofoam coffee cup with a stir stick ready to slosh out in the other while I was waiting in the bed, attired in the backless hospital gown, and said, “I think we may have a problem with you today,” all the while gesturing wildly with his knife.
Of course my mind raced to all the hernia operation horror stories that I had read about on the internet. I remember seeing this one picture of these natives on some island near Indonesia and these guys were standing and posing with their huge hernias. Spear in one hand, hernia in the other. They looked like they had 20 pound appendages protruding from their where their bellybuttons should be. Disgusting picture, right?
You get the picture where my mind went when the doctor said that there may be a problem. He followed it up with, “but, no worries, we have a solution, it seems that we’ve double-booked our surgeries today.”
All the while he was waving his knife in my face with a slightly crazed look on his face. I tried to sneak a peak at his nametag to reassure myself that he was indeed a doctor, but he wasn’t wearing one.
“So, we’re releasing you to go home. Here’s what you’re supposed to do, listen carefully. We’re going to be doing a little hernia procedure on this person in the next room over, and you, since you’re older and more expendable, we’re going to let you be a hero to your insurance company. I’m going to give you this really sharp knife and an ear piece and you can take follow along at home while I do the procedure here at the hospital. Any questions?”
Just one, do I get any pain pills or anything?
“Nah, pain pills are for wimps. This is a simple procedure, just take this stir stick with you and bite on it next week when you take the bandages off. Oh, by the way, here are some Steri-Strips that you can use instead of having to stitch the incision up yourself. No need to thank me, just looking out for you.”
So, I hope that I’ve convinced you of the absurdity of the last post and that I’m really not a sissy when it comes to pain. Don’t worry, it was a successful procedure, the doctor did just fine. Does anyone have any donuts?
Now, let's talk about ANYTHING except me.
Jim
9 comments:
your post makes me reminise about my liver biopsy. when the dr showed me the needle that he would be inserting in my chest that was about 8 inches long. when he took the core i felt a little pop and thought that he had punctured a lung. i thought i heard him say oops. i asked whats wrong, he said nothing.
drugs are our friensds.
Dick
oh and Jim
ITS ALLLLLLLLLLLLL ABOUT YOU!!!
Dick
I'm thinking you are still needing more training Jim. A good patient would have BROUGHT fu fu coffee for the doc before the surgery, a bribe goes a long way !!
Wow, this site is really quiet! What in the world is keeping you all so busy??? C'mon, people, I need to be entertained!
poor Sandi !! but we might change the subject again !! Speaking of, who's scar is healing faster ?!!
I think mine is, but I wouldn't bet a donut on it...
Hey, don't forget to use the aloe on it !!
Another "trick" that works for bug bites, a 9 volt battery !! It works for bee stings and spider bites. You wet the bite area with water and pull the posts over the area and should feel the zap. Do that a few times and a couple times during the day. It works to stop the swelling and spread of poisons. I have used it on inmates, the family and myself. Since using it I had not had to take anyone to the hospital for treatments. Even if a person is allergic to bee stings. I have used it on black widow and brown recluse bites and have found the same results. Something about the poison gets changed. REALLY works well !! fyi
I used to have the inmates come to me on fires for treatments and they would go back to work right away and never had a problem with the bite after that.
I think yer right Ben. Years ago I read in Field and Stream magazine that folks were carrying DC generators in the jungles of South America, just for snake bite. They said it a good zap changed the molecular structure of the poison. I've tried it with a huge mama yellow jacket sting on the palm of my hand (picking up a tool without looking). It just wouldn't stop hurting, so I yanked the plug wire off my car engine and zapped the spot repeatedly. Either I lost my pain receptors in my brain, or it really did the job. Anyway, it felt at least 80% better right away.
I had a friend who used a weed eater and would crank it up !! I was a wimp and figured, "why not a battery" !!
After getting hit ONCE with the spark plug !! That was enough. lol besides, it's much easier to cart around a 9 volt battery... call me lazy, but PLEASE don't call me what Illa does !!!!!!!
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