Life is pretty good right now. Doesn't mean everything is good about my life; but when you work all the time, you are able to pay your bills and the kids and gr. kids are doing ok; life is good, for me!
I'm really excited about my son joining our lives. There's something I wanted to explore with anyone who cares to voice an opinion.
My son has been going through a year of intensive therapy; learning to rethink processes that took him down the path he took and to retrain his way of thinking. Peter,
you are very aware of what he has gone through, he communicates with you on these matters. But I have an issue with some of the things he is learning and where they want him to take what he has learned. I could use some help here and advice on how to help him. Or how others feel about what they are teaching him.
He is learning about how to take responsibility for what he has done in his past. Not justifying his actions or making excuses for what he did. I feel this is all good. To change criminal thinking or even addictive thinking ... you must be able to not put blame or give reasons as to why this or that happened. He is learning how to understand his triggers and how important it is to change lifestyle rather then just believe things won't happen again.
My problem is; Things he did as a teenager, were things many young people do. He made some very poor choices and some of them ended in the tragedy of his life. My son got caught up when he left home in drugs, gangs and even the occult; which led to the life he led which led to the crimes he committed. His life was saved. God saved him for a reason, when so many other mother's sons have lost their lives to the streets. Some day I'll write a book. It's been quite the journey that we owe all the credit to God and the prayers of so many.
But through this therapy he is getting; they are going thru disclosure. I am all for being honest for those things we must disclose. But do we really need to disclose all the facts of our lives to others / everyone .. to be able to move forward honestly? My feeling is; you don't.
I would be interested in the opinions of others on this matter. He feels the need to come clean with everyone. I am not so sure everyone even wants to know the details of another life. I will advise my son according to how I feel about this as I gather more knowledge on the subject of full disclosure.
I feel life changes and evolves and we are not the same people we were in our younger years; or hopefully not so. so why would it be important for others know all your sins? My son has done his time, he has paid dearly for his crimes and he is not the same young man he was. He already will have the stigma of being a felon. Is it necessary for him to wear a Scarlett letter for all to know his crimes?
Help me here; my family! I want my son to have the best chance to live a normal life as possible. He is a good loving christian man that deserves that chance. It seems the prison system would like to make him feel he is dirty for the rest of his life by making the crimes he committed make him a ' bad person '. He is not that person, so why should he put those things out there for others to judge him. No one but God has that right, in my opinion. He has lived all his adult life being labeled.
This is where my head will be for a while. I'm not so sure I can see clearly being his mother. I also have been working 24 hour a day for over 6 weeks again due to no resident manager here right now. So I'm a little worn out anyway.
I did take a 3 day trip to Phoenix. I had a great time but it was no vacation. I took 3 granddaughters with me. So my days were non stop entertainment for 5 grandchildren. Coming home to 24 hour shifts was a vacation comparatively. Outside of that break I am here 24/7 for 50 days now.
The economy is bad but few answers to my ads for work. Course this is more then just work. No 9-5 here.
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Yes, Chardo and I have written to each other a lot about this. I'm with you on this, but am open to discussion.
Suzy, Jesus of course is the best example we have of forgiveness. Even He said when we repent of our sins He is able and willing to forgive us our sins. He died so that we may live and live in the confidense that He has taken our sins upon Him. Once we have done that why would we want to keep having to be forgiven of something He has already done away with. We as humans sin everyday but we don't go asking everyone to forgive us. We go to the only one that we know has the ability to forgive, and that is our Father. We are all children of God and as the Bible says, "He only wants what is good for us" and "He wants us to live in peace and joy", no one can have peace or joy with the feeling that they are so bad that they are consantly living a life of guilt and unworthyness. That is what satan uses to hold us back from being all we can as a child of God. Chardo did his time, he is not the same person. When he accepted God and asked The Holy Spirit into his life and accepted that Jesus Christ died for him so that he could be saved, and asked for forgiveness, that is all God requires, and just like Jesus said to those in His minister, "your sins are forgotten, go and sin no more". He also said your sins will not be brought to mind. Another word, they are a thing of the past, how you can have the fullness of the joy of The Lord if you are carrying a yoke of guilt on your back.
This is a time for Chardo to grow and get on with his life, not to be made to feel he has to point out the errors of his youth. He shouldn't be made to feel held back in any way from going forward and using the wonderful opportunities God is giving him to blossom and be used to bless others. Look at all the examples in the bible of men of God that did terrible things. When they repented, God forgave them and used them in powerful ways and they became as the bible says, "beloved" to him. It is the humble that God can use the most not the powerful or the most perfect.
Suzy, I am in agreement, his past is his past, let him know he comes out to a family of loving arms, he is walking with family support and God's love....
From my own time in jail, I do understand, only go to God, I understand the pressure, they are doing. He has answered to God, and that is all who he needs to go to is Jesus,.... Also know how they work and work on. As I work in this field, ....
Also Bonnie would love to help you and if you need me, also.... I talked to Bonnie and Rick,.... Ask them, as they wish to work in this area, do not be fearful to ask, I feel as they do, God is asking that we work to form for the future and you would be such a good teacher for her and Rick... Also would open the way for me,... It's giving us a direction as you know, for the location.... Lisi loves the Cave Juntion area..... Love Lili
I take it then that he is in group therapy as you refer to "others". I too think that he should not have to keep bringing up the past "sins". All it does is to re-injure his thinking process instead of helping. He is going to have to live with his past for the rest of his life and no one else needs to know the finer details of it.
Just let him know that we are here for him. Unfortunately the rest of the world will hold him to a higher standard. All he can do is the best that he can and in my opinion "keep his mouth shut." I have never met this young man but I can say that no good will come of it if he is forced to "bare all". He may feel he has to, to his therapist in private, but I don't recommend that he do so in front of others.
But this is just my 2 cents. Good luck to him in his recovery and may he walk with God in his heart and life.
Love to all. Illa
It is going to be bad enough and hard enough on him to have to reveal certain aspects and happenings to any prospective employer that he is required to by law. And I believe that by law those employers are not supposed to make his "history" known to the other personnel, but I am sure we all know of instances where nosy people get into personnel records and snoop or someone "hears something" and then it is all over the work place. He has a very hard road to walk ahead and he doesn't need to add any more stones to trip over. We all know that drugs will cause people to do things when they are not in their right minds that they would have been horrified over even possibly considering when normal. He is going to need an enormous support group when he is released. I just hope that he is not too overwhelmed when we all meet him at the reunion. You take care of yourself Suzi. It is going to get even harder for you as the time comes closer but I know you have the strength to carry on. I love you.
Illa
I believe therapy can be a good thing, and we could all benefit by a standard in which to grow our lives. Saying that, I would guess that therapy that Chardo is receiving could provide a standard to integrate into the mainstream of life. To my understanding from what you’ve said, he has already acknowledged his past mistakes and taken responsibility for them. Nothing can bring back a life, but he has paid society’s price for his poor judgment. I can change nothing in the past, I can simply choose to learn from it. Lack of responsibility, I believe, is at the root of many of society’s problems, which has at the root of it the individuals’ problems. Owning up to responsibility, I believe, is the first step to growth.
Youth, as we all know, is known for impetuous behavior; it’s the nature of the beast. I believe Chardo will walk out of a correctional facility a different person than what he walked into a facility. I wonder, in part, of the therapy process, is a way of having the inmates not think of it as how the “man” took away their youth, but rather a chance of a new life starting for them. I could see some inmates wanting to blame others for their problems.
Personally, I do not feel the need to live in the past, let alone someone else’s past. If a person feels that they need to share something, and they need a sounding board, I’ll be there. If, “He feels the need to come clean with everyone,” I‘d be willing to listen. But to just bare a soul to bare a soul, I don’t think it’s necessary. I think we all have people with who we share intimate and private parts of our life, but we don’t do that with everyone just for the sake of doing it. My job description on Earth doesn’t include judging people, and I try not to do that. Do I always succeed? No, it’s a lifelong goal that I’m working toward.
I believe that Chardo is a different man than the boy that walked into prison. He may have been in his twenties when he walked but he exhibited boyish behaviors. I’ve seen teenagers that were men and forty-somethings that were boys. I believe that he has different values, goals, and ethics than that boy did.
If the system wants it to be a new beginning for him they should let it be just that. There will be many times to acknowledge the past in the future, I don’t think a person should feel like they have to tell everyone, but it should be their choice.
You are special person, Suzi. I hope that you are able at some point in the future to find the right resident manager so you don’t have so much pressure on yourself.
Love, Jim
I talked to aunty. and yes I believe we don't need all details. If he wants to talk about it, that is one thing. but We have all fallen. Now he is getting up and moving forward. I will say the only discloser I believe in is for Sex Offenders for kids. And not to judge but help know where my kids is. Because its an addiction and hard to recover from, and I know that is Not what Richardo is there for. Maybe that is why they want disclosers so people don't think the worst.
I can't wait to see him. And I know Jesus forgives all sins. And all sins are equal. so its hard for some to understand that. I think I read after your save your pages are wiped clean? Is that right. I use my hard times to share what Jesus did in my life.
Lol, I remember on time a women said "God does not bless you if you are in sin". I was living with mckenzie's dad and she was born deaf. I went to church and prayed over her. I lifted her as if she was on an alter and gave her to God. I have it in medical records that she was hearing a week later. The doctor could not explain why it changed. I know God did it and had proof by the doctor. I explained it to him. She was 6 months old.
Our walk is to help others and I see Richard doing gods work. Richardo and I are proof of what Gods love can do with our life. I was no saint. I was lost and had a missing piece but even with my bad God was talking to me. My councler says I need to go down a bumpy path but it was bumpier then most. lol. But God know what the plan is.
When he comes home, and his life gets going, there will be people who will need to know the details in order to be able to let him in fully. Certainly none of us need that, but there may be someone later who will. Perhaps this therapy will help him for when that time comes. It's hard to let this go, but I know that everything will be alright. We have to have faith that if God has truly spared your boy for a reason, then God Himself is guiding all the details, not just the ones that saved his physical life, but ALL of the details. We are good at giving God the credit for the things we see in the past, but it's much more difficult to trust Him with the details of our present and our future.
If you believe, then rest in the peace that transcends our own limited ability to understand. Don't let anything spoil your joy in his homecoming. All will be well. Whether the system is right or wrong, your son will be ok.
Yes there are some that will want to know ALL the details but that doesn't give them the Right to know anything more than what Chardo decides to tell. I pray the Chardo doesn't let people intimidate him into feeling he has to give up his privacy.
I realize job applications and others situations require background checks. But there are a lot of just nosey people that thrive on others pain and mistakes just to help themselves feel better. I would hope that is Chardo's therapy they would be dealing with issues of building one confidence and selfesteem and consentating on being a positive part of society. I know nothing about the prison system, but I do believe they are not to much different that boot camp in trying to break down a persons feeling of selfworth. I pray Chardo gets the right help repairing all the damage he has done to himself and the damage others have done to him. It will take one small step at a time. But just knowing he is able to get out and have another chance has got to be the biggest challenge he has ever faced. He is in our prayers daily. So are you and the rest of your family. This is a major thing for all of you.
My Dear Suzi,
Here is my two cents worth! Remember the story in John 4:5-30 when Jesus talked to the Samaritan women at Jacobs’s well? He asked her for water to drink and she was shocked that he would speak to her, let alone ask a favor. He told her if she knew who He was she would ask Him for the “living water.” She did not understand and said she wanted the “whatever” water so she wouldn’t have to keep coming to the well to draw from it. He said, “Go call your husband and come back.” Now that imperative right there, should make us wonder...hauling water was women’s work! Why did he tell her to call her husband and then come back?
7"I have no husband," she replied. Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." Jesus was leading her down the path to “full disclosure” of what was concealed in her past. You see he knew that we as humans need to totally understand what in our behavior patterns keep separating us from God, the Truth & Light. Without “full disclosure” we don’t understand how much we need Him and how important it is to “draw” from His “living water” everyday to get over behaviors and thought patterns that are not in line with His plan for us.
My, dear, Suzi, don’t be afraid for your son to make himself vulnerable in these circumstances. 1st of all he has to be in the program so he might as well take from it all the tools he can to help him. I truly believe we have to be very careful who we choose as “counselors”, but in these circumstances I believe with all my heart that since Chardo has the Spirit within him, the Spirit will protect him from the counsel of the world. We are told in Psalm 32:8. ” I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. “ The Spirit of the Lord will help him weigh what is asked of him and help him with the discernment needed.
Suzi, I try not to under-estimate the power of dysfunctional behavior patterns. It is my opinion that the more dysfunctional the background the longer it takes to understand them. All of us come into this world and are handed baggage. This baggage holds life decision patterns that are imprinted very young in life. The Old Testament refers to them as “the sins of the fathers.” Understanding them is the only way to call them by their true name. We have to keep digging and confronting, through the Word, so the Spirit of the Lord, our true Counselor, can guide us and keep us from falling into making the same mistakes and committing the same sins that are often disguised in “different clothes!!”
The Holy Spirit uses many life circumstances to help us in this field of regeneration. We are told not to neglect with meeting in community with our brothers and sisters in the Lord. We need to be held accountable with like-minded people who can help us stay on the “straight and narrow.” Being accountable does not mean being criticized, but it does mean we make ourselves vulnerable. However, it is in our best interest for help in the discussion toward understanding Truth with open eyes.
Well, so much for my 2cents! I love you Suzi and will keep you and the family in prayer.
Dear Suzy and Richardo., all I can say, is how Chardo tried to protect me and my daughter. He has always been a big part of my life and thoughts though I have not written him.
All I can do is welcome him with open arms, and show the love for him when he gets out.
It's going to be a bard road but with this family he can mAke it. Being in Longiew showed me the problems of the prisoners that have been let out. Without the support of good families and friends how tough the road can be. I can relate how Chardo can feel, and scarred. One thing I can say is he has a wonderful family to come to and the support. And I don't think he has to explain himself to others,.... Keep his mouth shut,... Only if he wishes.
His insight, is very good, and he is a protector!!!! I know this from personal expearance with my life and Lueria's.
Hug's and kisses and I will help as much as I can
Many offenders have go through years of counseling, group sessions, "full disclosures". What the counselors are trying to do is drum sense into some very thick heads. They are trying to normalize rational thinking by reeducating constantly. As a believer, I'm going to have a different take than those prison authorities. Though it's true that principles of life are universal, what I call 'philosophical pivot points' differ. If we are simply trying to change the behavior of a chimp, this bombardment of training might help. And, in fact, that's what is happening in prisons. What they have is humans, created in the image of God, but most have degenerated into animals, led by appetites and passions. And, just as the news this last week has shown us, you can train an animal to appear almost human. But if their hearts remain the same, they are likely to revert and eat your face off! As has already been said, our past has a great influence on us; so much, that the Bible says that we need to be "reborn". But there is an even more severe metaphor, Paul said, we have to die (Rom6; Gal2). Not in the physical sense, but to "reckon ourselves dead". This aint easy! Simply because, until we actually die, unless we stay very close to Jesus, that old animal in us will want to come forward. Believe me, I know, cause that old chimp in me wants to eat peoples face off quite often- especially while I'm driving. But here's the deal, though our old nature wants to force it's self forward, God has given us the power to keep him caged. The bible tells us that this power is from God (Rom8), not ourselves.
The good news is that Chardo has gone through this "born again" process. He isn't relying on his own strength to get him through.
One more note; A lot of Christian counselors recommend this rule, personal sin-personal confession; open sin-open confession; secret sin-secret confession.
But the real healing with Chardo began, not with group counseling and group confession, but one on one with Jesus. I have no fears for Chardo, just as long as he stays real close to the one that made him human again. Peter
Thank you all for your loving and thoughtful replies. Yes, my son is a new man reborn many years ago. I think this process he has gone through was needed just for him to face up to his past and be able to forgive himself; but I know he is forgiven and that God has wiped the slate clean. I also know in all my heart, not just as a mother; that he will come out and be a continuing inspiration to all of us; as he has to me for years.
Dear Suzy and Richardo
I look forwards to seeing you Richardo, take a big breath of FREE AIR, hope you can find something to occupy your time when you get out, relax and enjoy your time and freedom when you get out.
Have Fun conneting with family again.
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