It's when I look back on my trials and realize I survived, got beyond and at times can barely remember the pain; I feel it is all part of letting go and letting God, which, for a control freak, is so hard alone. I pray to God to help me, give me faith to let Him. Is that weird? Some Christians feel that is weird, that we need to trust God without question? I've never been one to blindly follow, so I have to go to the source and understand He knows my heart. If I question His will .. He is the one who must change my heart. But He also lets me see the pattern of His will and how His way is so much better then mine. He has led me like a child carefully, very openly, not subtly at all. I see in each step of the way how my life is evolving into a different person. I can look back on things I did, lifestyles I led and it is like looking in on another's life. Is that me, really? Well, I guess maybe it isn't relly me, because the me I am today is not the person I was so very few years ago?
So, for all the heartbreak, the questions as to why I have to go through what I have gone through in my life, why I have lost, been hurt, had to live such a weary long hard life .. is now coming to an understanding. I can look back and see the whys. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sure there is still loss and heartbreak ahead. I just hope I can hang onto the understanding ther is a reason .. the ' why' if and when my trials are there. And now whatever my children are going through, I am there to encourgage them to just push forwards, try to make better choises and understand God has a plan.
Course the me in me still must untangle the net and lay it all out to see the path clearly and to why the why's happen. I think that is ok .. after all I was born ME! That was not my choise, but God's. So I hope He understands the part of me, like a child, will always ask how does this work, why does this do this and that! Or maybe I'll evolve even further and quit caring.
I'm happy for all my own, that we are in touch and I can what makes you all tick. An interesting bunch of misfits! LOL !! Sandy, Illa, Karen and Jess and Rick all deserve awards; and Rick you have always been one of us in many ways, but thanks for being a very special part of this family for longer then we have even. Putting up with someone with post traumatic stress disorder from a fragmented early life and adoption is not even one the Dr. understand totally. It is great we now actually have each other for the support system we never had before and the only otrehr opnes that could actually understand what the other has faced.
5 comments:
I guess there are advantages to being 53! One can look back and see where God has been leading them and learn from the experiences. Somewhat like the footprints in the sand that disappear, and come to find out, it was God carrying the person. You are a role model for your family. Charles Barkley doesn't want to be, we must be.
Jim
By the way, I don't characterize myself as a misfit, I'm still waiting for the rest of the world to fit in.
But, Sandi still deserves an award, she's an awesome woman. I'm VERY fortunate.
Jim
Jim - your right we arnt misfits. God put us here for a reason and a purpose. at this specific time in history.
theres a scripture that has particular meaning in my life.
"for I know my plans for you, to give you a hope and a future"
sometimes i have a really hard time remembering that, especially when there is really no one to help me to remind me. Like Peter says I have a hard head sometimes.
better a hard head than a hard heart
it is so nice to see we are the same, different, and able to open up ourselves to each other. Maybe only with our seperation can we really be how we are now ?!!
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