At the onset of every new year I strive to make sure the new year comes in better then the last one was. I set goals and make promises to myself. I know many people don't reach their reselutions and often give up on making reselutions. I feel the new year gives us a chance to make a fresh start, and if we fall again or fail; try try again!
But for me, I have to set my mind on a thing to move forward in my own way and time, to be able to succeed. So it takes that committment in my heart and soul to even allow myself to move forwards. So here I am to put the past to rest and move into the new year with a clean slate.
Bear with me; I do have things to say to my family who has been wondering where I have been for so long.
Do you ever feel like you have such a sucessful life, yet your own life is such a mess? I solve other people's problems for a living. I take chronic needs and turn those clients into loving, managable people through problem solving and carefully planned goal setting and by daily helping those clients follow through to reach their goals. I take the angry dying person and sit by their side, plan their medication management to releive their pain and help them die surrounded by love; help them be unafraid to face their reality. I don't do this alone. I know God has blessed me with a gift. God gives me the energy to be up every night as needed, to help others. He has given me the gift of empathy. I anticipate need before it is asked of me. I am not boasting. But I do feel so blessed to be able to turn a person's life around. I do not take credit. I know it is God workng through me. And I often feel I do not do enough. But at this time this is what God has allowed me. In doing what I do I have also had the opportunity to take the lives of a couple women who work for me and help them learn the real skills of giving ' care '.
But my own life has been filled with personal pain and chaos. From betrayal, to the loss of my dear brother, my grandsons being taken from me, death of clients, to fighting for the rights of other providers with the state. My life has definant purpose and I strive to understand the hardships that do come my way. But that doesn't mean at times I do not have to just sit back and take some time to withdraw from anyone who could hurt me; my family! I have built of fortress around my heart. It isn't all that easy to get through to it. Most of you know just what I mean. So when I do let others in, allow myself to care, need or share; it is really easy for that person to hurt me. A porcipine is hard to get close to. But once you get close and if you are able to turn one over, their belly is fragile, they are vulnerable to be hurt. Their quills are their only protection. So I often sit back and throw quills at others who attempt to get close, not allowing anyone to get to my vulnerablities. This year I let a few others close. Close enough to hurt me. In the last few months I have had to sit back and take an inventory of what I have gone through.
One lady, who's mother died the day my brother died, in my home; told me to not feel pain and sorrow at death, is to not be human. I feel no pain. Does that mean my heart is not human? I didnot go to my brother's side before he died after Redding, because I feared feeling pain and loss; something I was unwilling to feel. I do not feel loss or pain at the passing of anyone. I feel releif; for them, for their families...is that wrong? It is the living who greive, I feel for.
When Bonnie left after reconnecting after many years of seperation emotionally and phyically; I felt deep loss. I felt she would never come out to be a real part of this family. And Bonnie, in your attempt to be a part of it, I know I hurt you. I apoligize for striking out when you critizied me regarding our sisters and neice. I don't take criticizm well, since I am already my own worst critic. You and Dick's words bit me, as Betty's used to. My personality type is one who thinks through things and honestly beleive what I do and say; even if it is wrong to others. So to reproach me is saying; you are wrong! In order to tell another person they are wrong, one needs to know all issues surrounding a situation.
I may do something in the wrong way, but to stand up for what someone thinks is right, is never wrong!
When a person feels loss and feels down, weak and defenseless ... they are dangerous. I have been dangerous all my life. Few people try me a second time. I am not proud to be a bearcat; but God knew what my life would be like. As my life goes, the rougher edges have softened. But what has become of me is that I now know how to help others stand up and fight for the right things in their lives. My life has purpose. But God also is continuing to teach me lessons through the hardships I bear.
Marriage; OMG !!!!
God sent me an imperfect man. I ask him for the right man, PERFECT of course! God sent me a man who appeared perfect for me in every way and then gave me a lesson in life. Funny how life's lessons are. I've tried to run him off, chase him away, ignore him till he gives up ... and he is still my husband who gets me coffee every day. At this new year, I figured after he has put up with my grandkids and their friends ( 12 kids in my home daily ) for a week, did fire works with us last night, sat up till 1 am, cooked us breakfast ; all of them .... and is now out making a fire so they can roast marshmellows ( for lunch ) ... maybe I'll keep him and try to be nicer to him.
Hey family; I treat the ones I love the same. Hurt me; you pay ! Course that is all but my grandkids. Going back to the procipine; when I allow anyone close, that is the ones who can hurt me. Others can't! That is my strength and my weakness. I hate weakness. So when I can be hurt, then I must turn my back on the person who has gotten close enough to hurt me. I shut down, shut off and retreat to lick my wounds and put together a new tactic to not get hurt. Usually I leave people behind. But it's hard to leave family ( or a husband, well this one anyway ) ... specially those who refuse to just go away. So I have figured this is a new lesson to learn. How to forgive & love those who hurt you. How to not push everyone away. And how to allow people close even when you know by allowing people close, there will be pain.
Forgive me family .. but I am still evolving into whoever I am supposed to be, to serve some unforseen destiny. The lessons are hard. It takes me time to absorb and put life into perspective. I wish I had been born simple and accepting; I wasn't. I was born with a purpose and I'm still trying to figure it out, to take life apart and redo it ... It's my VIRGO nature.
So Happy New Year! I vow to be a better sister, aunt, nurse and friend ! I'm already a great mama and g.ma !
Love you all ...
PS ... Labor Day is great ! Thanks for stepping up Jimmy & Sandy !
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8 comments:
What......you were gone, you haven't been on the blog!?!? Oh, I guess you were missed a bit.'Ha'
Life and people are complicated; takes a while to figure things out, I'm glad your hanging in there with your marriage. Love you. Peter
Yes, the living are the ones that feel the pain and loss, so I personally don't think that the way you feel on that issue is wrong. Everyone feels different things, or label things differently. That's my thoughts though.
At any rate, I can understand why you didn't come after Redding, and I think Dad understood, and would understand all the reasons for not coming to the memorial last month, etc.
Your life sounds so busy.
wow, what a great statement. I am like you with closing down. Thank you and God for not giving up. I admire the truth and being open to your family. Happy New Year. Hugs and Kisses.
Growing up with no brothers or sisters. I think its special have them. With Kara and your kids are no different then now you with uncle peter and Bonnie and the other 7 , lol. This is a thought maybe the next time any of the brothers or sister go thru hard times. Take a moment and think how you would want your kids to react to each other. We as parents want and expect more then we do from ours.
just a quick thought and good for me to see how I would want my kids to treat me. lol.
Sorry, I deleted that comment I made because it was fully of spelling errors.
Suzi, thank you for posting this. It was beautifully written and so full of love.
Happy New Year to you all. I cannot wait to see you this year. Please come anytime you have some time off. I crave to see you.
Susy, I see that you and Ben were so much alike. Ben in many ways was like Daryl and me like you also. Just hang in there. We all have been given lessons that are hard to learn and not really what we wanted. But God has other plans for us than what we think we are supposed to do. I am still finding that out. I really wished you could have been here but I do understand and I am sure that Ben would have too and held no grudges. He was really glad to see you when you came to see him in the hospital. Most of the visitors were a fog to him but you stood out. He worried about you so much. Loving is to open yourself to heartache and disappointment but it is an emotion that I would not pass by for anything.
I love you sister. Don't ever forget that.
Illa
Suzi,
Thanks for letting us into your mind. You are a busy woman on many levels with varied issues, directions, and aspirations. I believe that you're doing all of them very well. We can all relate to some degree to many of your feelings. We all have much to be thankful for in this coming year.
Jim
Hi Suzi,
I love to celebrate the New Year as you do, reflection and resolutions. But I am finding, finally a little wisdom...the older I get, once a year just is not enough!! I make too many mistakes and do so many actions of "unkindness" with a knee-jerk like reactions. I am really trying to change how I react to negative life situations. I can understand what you say about Virgo personalities. Cancers share similarities in how we deal with disappointment and pain from those who are important to us. It is amazing to me to see how sensitive we all are in this family! I see it in my children and think of the family thread we must of inherited from Glenna. I wish you the best for this new year and pray that as you struggle and grow in your marriage you will continue to rely on the Lord for your strength, wisdom and direction. I think marriage is one of the hardest jobs we have to do as human beings. It is my opinion that it is very easy to be single because we can just do everything "my way" and not be challenged to compromise and change for the commitment we have made to the union of marriage. Congratulations and a great deal of respect to you, Suzi. I am really looking forward to seeing all of your family at the reunion. It was so kool to hear from Bianca.
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