On Death & Dying !

So life goes on ... at times I wonder how we pull one foot in front of another and just keep going with death all around. but we do; and for reasons unknown, I am sure.

A counselor once said, on death; if you do not feel or greive about death, it means you are not human. I find myself human, but not greiving in the way others might. does it mean I am unfeeling, or cold hearted, or just used to death around me or what ?

I am a Virgo. Do we have any other Virgos in the family that might understand what I'm saying?

So I have had my share of death for the last few months; enough already.

My brother-in-law, sister Joyce's husband, died this morning. He was the most recent in a string of passings over the last few months. Mary, my 94 year old client who had lived in this home for 15 years, died on the 1st. A 12 year old friend of the boys died with 3 others in a terrible wreck here a few weeks back. Annie, another client of mine for 3 years died on the day Ben, my beloved brother died. Another resident, Chuck left us on Nov. 1st.

With death so close for so many in my life; it has brought me again to the feeling of such fragility.
Even my grandaughter, Brooklyn has questioned it. She wondered why so many people choose not to have funerals now days. I told her it was partly the cost of them now days.

She told me she wants one. What a terrible thing for a young person to even have to think about.
But how often are we afraid to talk about such things and then if and when that times comes; how many are ready? How many know what another really wants?

When Mary died she, she had no one to tend to her needs. We took her things down. I called everyone she had written to, sent a little letter and a picture to her friends. I called a family member of her step son, who at one time came by to see her; just not over the last 3 years. They actually had the guts to come 'right over' to pick through her things and take what they wanted. But they didn't have the time to visit for 3 years or send a card or call.

Mary had prepaid for her burial in Cali beside her late husband, but with inflation, it didn't cover all the costs. There was no one to pay for her costs. There was no one to pick out her burial clothes. What a sad ending for someone who was so sweet, lived so long and gave so much to others. She was family to us, so I took care of the needed stuff. But death is so sad when one is not prepared or when there is no one to share it with. Eveyone should have someone that cares enough to make sure all is taken care of.

But >>>> I also feel it is so necessary for us to be prepared. No one will really know what anyone wants unless you talk about it, prepare for it and write it down.

Life is so fragile. I do know what I want; but I need to write it all down. I don't fear death, I only fear for those who seem to need me so badly. What will life be like for those I leave behind? Another reason for family to stay close and loving. I know my kids and gr. kids will need the loving support of all. They are strong, but they will be lost for a while.

By the way;

Just a simple memorial .... I'll be cremated.

Everyone MUST wear red and purple and / or animal prints.

I want smooth jazz playing loudly.

I want laughter and fun stories told to remember the best days I shared with everyone.

And mostly I want everyone to know I really lived while I was alive. I worked hard to live good and I gave whatever I had a could to others along the way. I strived to do what was right, even though I was often really screwed up by definitions of right and wrong.

I will leave of legacy of children; loved and they will carry on.

I will not be unhappy to leave this world. It's been a hard life. But a good one as well.

I will insist my kids have my ashes in various containers so I can be with them always; they will hear my voice when they don't eat right or act right; I am sure my ashes will be spilled, swept up or thrown out some day along the way and that's ok, too.

Some of the funnest stories from here are of some of the urns that no one tells us are urns, only for us to find out in some weird way. We dropped them, spilled them and swept them up and replaced the ashes ... So we know there are spirits roaming all over this house. But they fly with the angels that protect us here, so they are in good company. I want to remain with my kids forever in some way. So they will have to just deal with it.

So there you have it. I'm on day 77 of 24/7. I did take 3 days off in early Feb. My body is weary, my brain is overworked but my spirit lives fully intact. So it is true there is life after death, because I probably look like death warmed over.

Sorry my thoughts are mostly on the more serious side life.

Suzanne