Can you believe it, Rick turned 60 today. I missed celebrating with him although but will do something when he gets home.
Each year seems like such a challenge more than the year before. I am so tired about life being so unsettled all the time. Sometimes I just want to dig a hole and bury my head in it. I got a text message from Amy last night still wanting me to get reinstated so we can have a relationship again. I am so tired of hurting those I love. I am not that kind of person and yet I keep doing it. I need my daughter in my life so much and she needs me, but I just can't compromise my own beliefs of Gods love and how much he values relationship with us. He doesn't shun us just because a difference in opinion in doctrine. For 16 year I have lived with the grief of not having a relationship with my only child which I adore. We were so close one time.
Sorry family, my heart is just so heavy. I just feel pulled in so many directions and even though I pray daily for God's direction, sometimes His answers are not always clear. I have made so many decision in life when I thought I was hearing from God and it turned out to be so wrong. Usually when we let emotions get in the way is when I make my biggest mistakes. I'm so glad that this life is no temporary and that we have eternity to look forward to without all the different beliefs and doctrines tearing us apart. I'm so blessed to have so many sisters, brothers and sister-in laws to love.
I'll probably be sorry I posted this but I just feel so alone and in pain right now. I am so grateful for Rick, he has been so understanding all these years about my lonesomeness for Amy. He has always been there to hold me when I cry myself to sleep for the hurt I have caused her. I miss him so much. As we get older it scares me to think there might come a day when we don't have each other. Then I really hate being apart right now. I got to get him home. Love Ya all so much.
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4 comments:
It is so nice to be able to know even with problems you are loved. Remember, part of the pain we feel is why we look for the life without it. I know that might seem shallow, but, I do believe that is part of the reason to go through pain. How else can we really feel joy at the good times?!! Bonnie, we all love you so much and do feel grief when you are down. Tell Rick hi for us and happy "b" day"!! for us.
Don't feel alone, I too have hurt the ones I love. If I didn't love them or (and) they didn't love me, then they wouldn't care how I felt. So, to feel the pain is to live. (at least how we know how here)
Bonnie; so sorry for your broken heart. You bring up an excellent point about our faith. Your comment that God doesn't shun us for doctrine is profound, it reminds me of a quote I once read that is one the pivotal points, which has helped me to understand how we are to react to each other: "The conscience is immune to coercion".
This is why the extreme Muslims are so obviously wrong. But, so is anyone who thinks they, in some manner, force anyone to change matters of the heart.
The fact is, If we are honest with God, if we really want him, he will lead us into his truth. Peter
Ben,
It's good to hear your philosophic perspective. You're not speaking shallow, you're speaking profound. You're so right, we can't truly appreciate what we have and often take for granted without feeling the pain of life too. It's that balance of life that must go on.
I too most appreciate my family when they are away from me or I away from them. That's one reason I could never be a long distance truck driver.
Jim
Hey Bonnie,
Sorry that you're feeling so blue. I can sure relate. Even though it's been a year and a half now, I so crave to see my sister again. I don't fear death, but I can tell you that the longing to speak with her again right now. All the fluffy words in the world don't make the pain go away. Thank heavens that you love Rick so much, that you have that connection, that you still have a chance with Amy.
I wish you all the best love and happiness in the world. I wish you peace.
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